General Dissatisfaction

As I was lying awake at 5 in the morning thinking about life and not being able to get back to sleep after Danielle was up in the middle of the night AGAIN. I realized I have a general dissatisfaction with life lately and I don't know what to do about it.

I don't keep the house as clean as I'd like... and I can't seem to find a system yet that works.

I don't go to the gym as often as I should, yet some days I go more than I want to.

It feels like I have to choose to either clean my house or go to the gym, I can't do both but both are so important.

I don't spend enough time with the kids, playing with them, teaching them; yet I don't get enough time for me.

I get frustrated and angry with the kids way too much, yet they don't seem to care or respond until someone gets upset with them. Daddy doesn't like to get upset with them so I have to be the bad guy.

I definitely don't get enough time with Dennis, even though we recently started swapping babysitting with some friends so we get to go out every other week.

Life has just become so complicated and hectic. It seems like we don't get enough time to talk about the big things, let alone the little ones. So trying to make decisions about things has become a huge hassle.

I started making the girls skirts, they're still not done, ok I got 1 for each of them done, but I'm not done with the ones I originally started (silly me picked out a complicated patten that requires a lot of work). I wanted to have some dresses made for them for our trip, out of some really cute pink material and that is so not going to happen unless I ignore everything else over the next week but I can't ignore everything because I've got to find time to pack on top of everything else that needs done.

I want to read more, but can't find the time really to get to sit and enjoy a book without feeling guilty over what else I'm not doing. It's been several weeks since my last one.

I feel like I watch way too much tv, or spend way too much time on the computer; yet most of that time is spent while I'm holding Rebecca or feeding her or something. Which then factors into me feeling like I don't spend enough time with them because I should be giving all my attention to her or the other kids, right?

I don't know, I just haven't been able to seem to get back in the swing of things yet. That's what I was talking about in my other post that maybe I've just taken on too much too soon. After Charity was born I didn't manage to cook dinner until she was 4 months old, sure Rebecca is 5 months now but I'm still only cooking occasionally when I can get around to it. Maybe it's a time management issue or simply not enough time issue, I don't know, but most days it seems that I'm barely keeping my head above water and I know I've let some important things slide lately that I shouldn't have due to either completely forgetting or lack of caring.

I used to keep track of things and get things taken care of so much better than I have over the past year. Some days I feel like this last pregnancy stole all of my brain cells but forgot to give them back when it was over. Can you get permanent brain damage from pregnancy? lol? My memory is shot, I forget so many things lately, it's frustrating.

Anyway, so there's my dissatisfaction with life right now. I don't know how so many things can fall on both ends of an issue! Maybe I'm just searching for some better balance, I hope I find it soon!